The 8 weirdest dissertations ever written

Holly Smith·3 February 2017·5 min read
The 8 weirdest dissertations ever written

It’s coming to the end of your last year. You’ve been through hell and back in the pursuit of knowledge and righteous victory to get to this point. Now all the pain and countless hours of excessive studying need to be put into one final masterpiece of 10,000 words. It’s now or never. Your last chance to prove to everyone that university wasn’t a waste of money and showcase the past three years of your life. Here are some of the most profound words ever uttered in a university dissertation…

1) Stuff people have got stuck up their bum

01 - Butt Hamster

What a better place to start than rectal blockages. Now I’m not entirely sure what degree this student studied per say. However, this is definitely not something I remember seeing on the syllabus when I applied for uni. Furthermore, I really don’t want to know how the research for this was done. I mean, I really don’t want to know.

Regardless of the logistics of how this piece came about, it was done and accepted by the exam board. This student studied a range of medical cases involving… well… people getting stuff stuck up there bums. These objects that got ‘stuck’ ranged from seven light bulbs to a medical grade saw. Have fun explaining that one at the next family reunion.


2) The possibility of unicorns

I think this student spent a bit too much time ‘partying’ and ‘chilling out’ than she did studying. Jokes aside, this was a genuine dissertation attempt, that analysed various philosophers in an argument against the existence of mythical creatures. It’s sounds slightly more serious when you put it like that, but at the same time.. what!?

3) Jellyfish don’t like it when you acidify their tank

What!? Moving on!

4) How should you save your penis when it’s caught in your zipper?

03 - Dick Zipper

It doesn’t get any better than this. This is the pinnacle of all knowledge. Useful and informative. This dissertation outlines and analyses the best way to get your genitals out of your trouser zip when things go a little wrong. It includes an array of concise and informative diagrams. Now, this one’s a little more innovative. I mean you’ve got to give it to the guy, he found a problem we all have and offered a solution. Now that’s what call smart. Not to mention, he’s a bit of hero, I mean imagine the research stage of this project. Ouch!

5) How penguins poop

04 - Penguin Poop

This one went really in depth in terms of the technical side. I mean if you look at some of the work, it’s absolutely brilliant stuff, but… who would ever find any use for this?

6) Monkeys don’t like eagles

And eagles don’t like Donald Trump, apparently.

This one’s pretty self-explanatory. Now, I don’t understand how they managed to pad this out into 10,000 words or so. I mean the title of the dissertation pretty much answers the entire topic. However, if there’s anything you learn at uni, it’s how to pretend you know what your on about, when in actual fact you don’t have a clue. If anything, this man is a genius for managing to squeeze an entire dissertation out of this watered down title. Good show!

7) I wanted to lay in bed and watch netflix rather than writing this so here are the ways Orange is The New Black is awesome

If the examiner didn’t give this student extra marks for honesty, and to mention comedy genius, then they’re very stupid. I mean your dissertation is probably never going to get read anyway, so it makes sense to make it stand out.

8) The proper treatment of your arse

This seems like a nice one to end on, considering the first topic I covered. I mean with all them unnecessary blockages, it makes sense to have someone on the job to clear up how to avoid these things. How this ever got published, I’ll never know, but I guess it’s relevant and useful. I mean we all have one. But, I digress, let’s not get to deep into the things, quickly let’s dart to the conclusion and forget this whole mess.

What can we learn from all of this?

Students are weird.