The UK's 10 Worst Nightclubs

Jordan Darlington·28 May 2014·5 min read
The UK's 10 Worst Nightclubs

Written by Jess Macdonald

They say it’s the people you’re with and not the venue is what makes the night (and maybe a lot of alcohol too!). But here are eight clubs in the UK that you really SHOULD avoid:

8. Every club that has featured ‘stars’ from TOWIE, Made In Chelsea, Geordie Shore or The Valleys

If you’re a fan of the supposed celebrity, you’ll invariably queue up for over an hour to snap a selfie, and newsflash: none of your Facebook friends will be interested in your mugshot of Jamie Lang because they’ll all have one too. If you’re not a fan, then you’ll want to leave pretty quickly to avoid screaming teenage girls swooning over people who are better known for their fashion choices than their ‘acting.’

7. Concorde 2 – Brighton

Faux-hippies run free at Concorde 2 Reggae Nights where clientele are inevitably ‘privileged white-kids’ talking about the environment. This isn’t your usual dress up venue, with the Brighton locals believing they are actually one step away from changing the universe. A back-drop of Bob Marley encourages you to ‘be happy’ but the smell from the proudly unwashed is enough to send you into a downward spiral.

6. WonderWorld – Milton Keynes

Tucked away in a shopping centre between a Frankie and Benny’s and a Quicksilver, WonderWorld doesn’t equate to the most ideal location for revelers to slip into oblivion without having to pass back to the outside world through neon strip lighting. With décor likened to laser quest, you’d probably be better off taking ten friends to play with real laser beams if you want to be guaranteed a good time.

5. Halo - Leeds

You know the expression ‘dancing on their graves?’ Here at Halo Leeds you can dance on and beside the remains of actual human beings from long ago. The church/club isn’t for the religious… or for anyone who believes in ghosts. The novelty may wear off and the club might close down and be turned into a Chinese restaurant, like the similar derelict building in the city of Derby, but it doesn’t look like Halo will be leaving Leeds any time soon.

4. Klute in Durham

Famed for being both the worst night in the UK and in Europe, Klute has a mix of cheesy choons and Oxbridge rejects – it should go without saying that this is obviously somewhere to avoid unless you want to take advantage of the inebriated Rowers during their initiation, taunting them and adding to their misery.

3. Manchester – Tiger Tiger

Also well known for being the go-to place for AU clubs, Tiger Tiger is filled with Rugby boys in fancy-dress downing pints and ‘ladding it up’ on the dance-floor. Unless you want to spend the night in an 80’s disco-ball listening to the top 40, sandwiched between sweaty drunk men then Tiger Tiger is probably best avoided.

2. Mechu – Birmingham

A ‘Hip bar and glamorous club serving champagnes with bare brickwork and purple timber floor,’ Mechu was also voted worst club in Birmingham by Tab readers and for good reason – cocktails can cost upwards of £7 and bouncers and bar staff have a less than glittering reputation.

1. Jesters Night Club – Southampton

As a visitor to the delightful city of Southampton, I was taken to the less than delightful Jesters nightclub and caught in the middle of a bar fight in less than two minutes of being ‘inside’ - pinned against the pole (propping up the roof) in the outside area by brawling boys on leave from the navy, or so I was informed. Fights are a regular occurrence in Jesters, and you will probably be collateral damage if you set foot in the sticky floored venue. As the Soton Tab put it, ‘the only way you’ll get through the night is to get absolutely Charlie Sheen-ed.’ A top tip is to make sure you’re not wearing your favourite clothes as you will have snakebite over you by the end of the night.

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