Fool proof guide to becoming a politician
Hard Brexit, soft Brexit, the credit crunch. No, these are not brands of Kelloggs, they’re words from that ‘politics’ thing. Urgh. You’d be forgiven for yawning so hard you implode at the thought of engaging in politics, but let’s face it, anyone can do a better job than what poor old Theresa’s demonstrating in Number 10.
With speeches better suited to an advert for Calpol and a personality as charismatic as a decaying tree stump it’s time someone (anyone) took to the political sphere to shake things up a bit.
If you reckon you’re the candidate for the job then fear not, for here at Student Life Guide we have created a fool proof guide to making it in Westminster. You. Are. Welcome.
Choose a party
If you hate the poor then you’re probably a Tory. If you hate the Tories (and love falafel) take like Beyonce and head to the left (to the left) for the Labour Party. If you hate having opinions, but love sitting on the fence, you’re probably best off with the Lib Dems. All other parties are either irrelevant, racist or Scottish so don’t waste your time.
Join their society at uni
Unfortunately, 99.9% of the people you meet will be a huge pain the arse. However, c’est la vie in politics, so learn to suck it up and get involved. After all, you don’t have to like them, you just have to get them to vote for you. Turn up to every general meeting equipped with snacks and you’ll be well on your way to establishing yourself as the next Winston Churchill. Promise.
Go door knocking
It’s cold, it’s boring and you’ll probably be as wet as Tim Farron’s personality by the end of it as somehow, come campaign day, it’s always raining. If you’re teamed with the right people, however, this has the potential to be a laugh. Doors will be slammed in your face. Be prepared for this. Yet, every now and then you’ll knock on the door of your party’s most loyal voter and they’ll offer you a cuppa and a few digestives. Savour this moment. Make them remember your face. Tell them it’s the best cup of tea you’ve ever had. BAM- come the next local election you’re guaranteed a vote.
Post-door knock sesh, Christmas socials, Political conferences…. These are all the perfect opportunities to gain much needed allies and voters. If you buy a round, they’ll love you forever. If you can’t afford this strategy because #studentbudget then mingle, do some shots and bust some killer moves on the dancefloor to get a rep as the Politician with the best banter.
Get a signature look
Thatcher had pearls, Boris has the hair- what’s your iconic style? A lot of bases have been covered in the past, so you’ll have to think outside the box for this one. Think big, bold, bright blue hair. Ok, maybe not. Still, something to make them remember you is a must in politics so be prepared to go the extra mile and stand out.
This goes along the same lines of your lewk as there is nothing the public loves more than a bit of controversy. Scrap all debt for everyone! Change tap water to Strongbow Dark Fruits! Go mad. You’ll need a policy that separates you from the rest so be creative and get to it.
Become involved in a scandal
This could be anything from expenses to fraud. Being known for a monumental fuck-up just makes you that bit more R.E.L.A.T.A.B.L.E. Although, it’s got to be said, the less illegal the better. Think more ‘I once hotboxed my seminar’ and less ‘I stole money from the homeless community’.
Develop a bit of a messiah complex
If things are going well everyone will love you. The moment they go wrong you will become public enemy number one. So, if you have an embedded belief that no matter what others think you are God’s gift, you can take like Taylor when the criticism hits and Shake It Off.
There you go, lads. Read it once. Read it twice. Go into your next pol soc meeting armed with this advice and there is absolutely no way that you’ll fail. Thank me later.